Here is a bunch of jokes that I got off of one of my buddy's forums...
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
Mr. US Citizen
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the
bush. You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?".
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot
sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of
grapes
nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding
of what your ass is for."
A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.
Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:
1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."
The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised
Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: "Oh crap!."
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Mrs. Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15
years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he
finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed
and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed,
the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his
clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a
woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't
resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks
you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too.
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
PHONE CALL:
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an
Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout
to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head
on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But
I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean
it.
He hit the bottom of! the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486 -5731 ??
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some *religion*!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales."
The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"
At this point the female whale becomes less cooperative: "I don't think so", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the very beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, he's been out of work for the past four years and has not looked for a new job since. All he does is smoke cigars, and cruise around with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college, he does not even pretend to like me...and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York! Act like one!
(I personally liked Clinton as a president but this was still funny...)
A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. I used some
horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible about it".
When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother superior.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it
was
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging
over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only
about
100 yards."
Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a
squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and
began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother superior again. "Well,
no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came
down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to
fly away!"
IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior. "No,
not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew
near
the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior
sighed and said, "You missed the f'king putt, didn't you?"
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
FreeRideJunkie Wrote:Here is a bunch of jokes that I got off of one of my buddy's forums...
I am enclo You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?Vie...5631044479
Maybe the government won my screw?
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
t to the maxx2 Wrote:http://www.chitownrc.com/showthread.php?t=2065
Great jokes, but there is a thread on jokes on this page already
I know... but that is a list of your jokes... since we don't have a designated "joke thread" I started one with a bunch that I found...
No, others have posted in there also
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's
filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of
dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him
the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole
thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have
to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm
during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do
it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do
those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it
with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a
face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They
hear the pit bull barking,! the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then
silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches al over his
body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
squirell thats pretty good
Yeah... that's a good one that I have heard before...
FreeRideJunkie Wrote:Here is a bunch of jokes that I got off of one of my buddy's forums...
He gave credit...
oops, so ... about those OTHER jokes he didn't post