Im tryin to go to sleep, and am in bed on wire less and found these jokes




Some more jokes for you guys

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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

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A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

"Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

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CONFESSION

>>

>> A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

>> Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

>> Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

>> The little boy says, "Dark in here."

>> The man says, "Yes it is."

>> Boy- "I have a baseball."

>> Man- "That's nice."

>> Boy- "Want to buy it?"

>> Man- "No, thanks."

>> Boy- "My dad's outside."

>> Man- "OK, how much?"

>> Boy- "$250."

>>

>> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together.

>> Boy- "Dark in here."

>> Man- "Yes, it is."

>> Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

>> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

>> Boy- "$750."

>> Man- "Fine."

>>

>> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's

>> go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

>> The boy says, "I can't..... I sold them."

>> The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

>> The son says "$1,000."

>> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

>> That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

>> They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

>> The boy says, "Dark in here."

>> The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

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Nominated as the best short joke this year....

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Pi*s off".

They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........ "Fu*k it, I could win this."

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A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he

can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by

inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend

over and shoves the thing way up his behind.

The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing

in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second

suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to

obtain the required depth.

He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the

other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's

the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that,

he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

>> He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to

>> say:

>> Red............cherry

>> Yellow........lemon

>> Green........lime

>> Orange.....orange

>> Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.

>>

>> After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.

>>

>> "Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

>> One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God!

>> They're assholes!"

These are good

I like the last one.